My head feels cloudy today. As if none of my thoughts can come to the front. They're all just swirling and crashing into each other somewhere in the depths of my mind.
This rut I am in is serious. I'm having a hard time imagining my life in a year, or even in 6 months. Maybe that's good? Maybe that's like giving myself a clean slate almost? I can fill it however I want when the time comes. That's a positive way to view it I guess.
It sounds shallow but I think getting my hair cut tonight will help my mood. I don't think I can count how many times I've been called shallow in my life.
I can't believe my life is the way it is and I mean that in a good and bad way.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Rut
I think I'm in a life rut. This occured to me yesterday as I was sitting at home alone last night planning my imaginary wedding and it suddenly hit me, "You are pathetic." Then I started thinking about my day to day life: I get up, do the morning routine, drive to work, dream about the building burning down, sit at work and stare at a computer for 8 hours, drive home, make dinner/eat and then a whole lot of nothing. That's pretty terrible huh?
God, what has happened to me? What can I do to change this?
I'm trying to stay focused on the new year and what I want to do once January hits. I have to get in shape. I have to have to have to. I can't go to Florida in March looking the way I do. I've gained so much weight since I left the city it's disgusting. The lifestyle here is so blah, so inactive. I don't mean DC I mean the suburbs ugh ugh ugh ugh.
So I was thinking, what can I or what do I do that makes me genuinely happy? Sadly, all my stories and stuff are still on my dead computer so I can't even look at any of them as are all of my music and videos. I could always start a new story but I don't know what to write about. I feel like unless I am in a workshop environment I don't know what to write. That's pretty depressing.
I'm thinking I should read more so my brain doesn't turn into total mush. I think that's a good start but I feel very compelled to do something with my hands. Maybe tonight I should go through my old Jane's and look for some crative projects in there to keep me busy.
I hate when Ken has to work nights. It makes me feel like I'm way too depedent on him for my entertainment. I'm also exhausted all the time because it takes me at least an hour+ just to fall asleep in that empty apartment.
I got so angry the other week I cancelled my cooking classes. Maybe that was a mistake but i can always register again later.
Sometimes I feel like I was never supposed to exist in the first place. I really don't think it's true that everyone on Earth has a purpose. Only really successful people believe that. I hope I am not working here for more than a year or year and a half. I can't take this much longer.
God, what has happened to me? What can I do to change this?
I'm trying to stay focused on the new year and what I want to do once January hits. I have to get in shape. I have to have to have to. I can't go to Florida in March looking the way I do. I've gained so much weight since I left the city it's disgusting. The lifestyle here is so blah, so inactive. I don't mean DC I mean the suburbs ugh ugh ugh ugh.
So I was thinking, what can I or what do I do that makes me genuinely happy? Sadly, all my stories and stuff are still on my dead computer so I can't even look at any of them as are all of my music and videos. I could always start a new story but I don't know what to write about. I feel like unless I am in a workshop environment I don't know what to write. That's pretty depressing.
I'm thinking I should read more so my brain doesn't turn into total mush. I think that's a good start but I feel very compelled to do something with my hands. Maybe tonight I should go through my old Jane's and look for some crative projects in there to keep me busy.
I hate when Ken has to work nights. It makes me feel like I'm way too depedent on him for my entertainment. I'm also exhausted all the time because it takes me at least an hour+ just to fall asleep in that empty apartment.
I got so angry the other week I cancelled my cooking classes. Maybe that was a mistake but i can always register again later.
Sometimes I feel like I was never supposed to exist in the first place. I really don't think it's true that everyone on Earth has a purpose. Only really successful people believe that. I hope I am not working here for more than a year or year and a half. I can't take this much longer.
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