A Question of Motivation and Family

I didn't go to the gym last night. There I'm admitting it. Instead, I was lazy and sat on the couch all night, drank Red Cat and chatted online. I know this is no way for a human to exist.

I thought once I was engaged I'd be super motviated. Motivated to go to the gym regularly, motivated to do things around the house, motivated motivated motivated. How typical to think that one thing will change your life. Even though getting enaged is a big moment in life it hasn't had the impact I so firmly believed it would. Not that I'm not happy or eager to plan but it hasn't turned my life around in the ways I thought it would. I still don't want to make that dentist appointment, when I have a rough day at work I still don't want to go to the gym. How to turn this all around??? I've been wanting to make motivational posters for myself and post them all around the house. I should really buckle down and do that tonight, maybe it will help me out a little bit. Like I finally did something productive.

I think getting enagegd has stressed me out more than I ever imagined. This past weekend at Ken's mom's wedding they kept telling me "You're next dear, you're next!" I wanted to throw up. Then there are certain things Ken and I discuss that make me think I'm not mature enough to get married. For instance: Ken said to me, "So you excited to spend every other Thanksgiving with your family?" I responded with, "Why do we have to do every holiday together? Especially Thanksgiving, which is one of my favorites to spend at home."
"Uh because we'll be MARRIED." He said.
I really don't think it's nessecary to spend every holiday together. We don't have kids, and won't have them for quite a while. I wouldn't have a problem staying home together for Christmas, which is more of a major holiday than Thanksgiving. Is this selfish? Am I immature? Will I really be considered family with all these new people? They've all been divorced so many times it kind of feels like I'm on probation and then maybe after a few years of being married I'll come off probation and then really be considered family.

As a side note, I really don't like this new yogurt Ken bought me, it's super sweet tasting. Ick.

I'm a Bad Person...

But, I'm OK with that. I just can't help myself sometimes. Below, please enjoy an IM convo I am having with ex-boyfriend Jeremy and totally bait him the entire time to ask about my engagement. Eventually, I break and bring it up myself, awesomness ensues.

naughtonshvc: so how was the big move?
jerbond0127: Shitty
jerbond0127: I'm about 90% done
classic Jeremy line... every job done in percents...
naughtonshvc: did you do it yourself?
jerbond0127: Arnstein and our friend Bryan helped out
naughtonshvc : thats a plus
I so don't care anymore, ask about me.
jerbond0127 :yeah definitely. We rented a 14' uhaul yesterday and moved all of my biggest shit
Long Pause. Shit, this can't end here, must ask more pointless questions...
naughtonshvc : you liking the new place so far?
jerbond0127 : Yeah definitely.
jerbond0127 : Much better entertainment system. We have a yard. More space. etc
naughtonshvc : thats nice
On to my life...anytime now...
naughtonshvc : how many people do you live with now?
jerbond0127 : Me and 2 others
naughtonshvc :think you'll all be bff?
This is killing me slowly....
jerbond0127 : hopefully
jerbond0127 : that'd be nice. who knows
naughtonshvc : do you have a new job yet?
jerbond0127 : Nope. Thats my next step, as soon as I'm finished with this move.
naughtonshvc : i might be looking for a new job shortly, my office might be moving out to bum
jerbond0127 :out to bum?
naughtonshvc :bum fuck
jerbond0127 : bumble fuck
jerbond0127 : gotch'ya
naughtonshvc : yeah and my happy ass isnt driving 40 mins to work with gas being 4 freaking bucks a gallon
Here comes the transition to me! Feel it Jeremy! Feeeeeeel it!
jerbond0127 : yeah jeesus christ...I was around my place for about a week, not driving all that much, then when I finally had to fill up...bam! 4.25...WTF
naughtonshvc : yeah its terrible
Shit.
jerbond0127 : 65 bucks for me
Double shit.
naughtonshvc :holy shiz
jerbond0127 : yeah.
jerbond0127 : My Pathfinder for ya
naughtonshvc : its like 40 something for me
I can't take this anymore. I'm going for it....
naughtonshvc : its amazing how many random people i have heard from since ive been engaged
jerbond0127 : ha. Like who?
naughtonshvc : well believe it or not i havent talked to tamar liz and leah in a year plus and they all called me
Only half true, close enough...
naughtonshvc : dave shawl im'd me last night
naughtonshvc : a couple people i had classes with have im'd me or facebook messaged me
Lies.
jerbond0127 : Funny how that happens huh
naughtonshvc : everyone wants an invite to the biggest part of 2009
naughtonshvc : *party
jerbond0127 :oh shit...
naughtonshvc : you probably want one too
OK, that was a little too obvious
jerbond0127 : its gonna be a whos who I'm sure
naughtonshvc : i hope you're not being sarcastic
naughtonshvc : because it really will be
jerbond0127 : I think you want me to want one
naughtonshvc : i think i dont care
I think this is hilarious.
jerbond0127 : It'd be weird I think
naughtonshvc: hahaha thats putting it lightly
I am practically rolling on the floor with laughter imagining Jeremy at my wedding
jerbond0127 : I thought you said you didn't care if I was there
naughtonshvc : no i meant i didnt care if you wanted to come or not
jerbond0127 :oh I see.
naughtonshvc : you feel weird about it in general tho i think

And sadly that's where it ends! Ah Jeremy, I guess sometimes you do know better. I guess if he wasn't such a shitty boyfriend I might not feel the need to do this anymore, but every once in a while I just can't resist.

Troubles

So things bewteen my fiance nd I are not at an all time high right now. It's kind of a long story and I don't want to get into all the nitty gritty right now but essentially he's out of town and I'm pissed about it. He pulled one of those "You can come if you want." Which equals "Please don't come with me." So, I guess I'm just hurt and I feel left in the dark a little bit. Yesterday he was being all nice to me via phone and it just pissed me off more. Then last night I got just enough alcohol in me to start texting him my real thoughts (yeah smart) so basically I kind of doubt I'm going to hear from him today. Besides the fact that he has a lot of family stuff going on today I kind of doubt he's going to make time to try to contact his pissy fiance/girlfriend/evil bitch. He comes back late late tomorrow and I just don't know. Usually by this point in our fights I'm feeling badly and so I find some gift or something to get him to say sorry. But this time I'm just not feeling it. I'm sure I'll be glad to see him and all of that so I think I just need to wait for him to be home and be happy about it and try not to worry in the meantime.