Clouds

My head feels cloudy today. As if none of my thoughts can come to the front. They're all just swirling and crashing into each other somewhere in the depths of my mind.

This rut I am in is serious. I'm having a hard time imagining my life in a year, or even in 6 months. Maybe that's good? Maybe that's like giving myself a clean slate almost? I can fill it however I want when the time comes. That's a positive way to view it I guess.

It sounds shallow but I think getting my hair cut tonight will help my mood. I don't think I can count how many times I've been called shallow in my life.

I can't believe my life is the way it is and I mean that in a good and bad way.

Rut

I think I'm in a life rut. This occured to me yesterday as I was sitting at home alone last night planning my imaginary wedding and it suddenly hit me, "You are pathetic." Then I started thinking about my day to day life: I get up, do the morning routine, drive to work, dream about the building burning down, sit at work and stare at a computer for 8 hours, drive home, make dinner/eat and then a whole lot of nothing. That's pretty terrible huh?

God, what has happened to me? What can I do to change this?

I'm trying to stay focused on the new year and what I want to do once January hits. I have to get in shape. I have to have to have to. I can't go to Florida in March looking the way I do. I've gained so much weight since I left the city it's disgusting. The lifestyle here is so blah, so inactive. I don't mean DC I mean the suburbs ugh ugh ugh ugh.

So I was thinking, what can I or what do I do that makes me genuinely happy? Sadly, all my stories and stuff are still on my dead computer so I can't even look at any of them as are all of my music and videos. I could always start a new story but I don't know what to write about. I feel like unless I am in a workshop environment I don't know what to write. That's pretty depressing.

I'm thinking I should read more so my brain doesn't turn into total mush. I think that's a good start but I feel very compelled to do something with my hands. Maybe tonight I should go through my old Jane's and look for some crative projects in there to keep me busy.

I hate when Ken has to work nights. It makes me feel like I'm way too depedent on him for my entertainment. I'm also exhausted all the time because it takes me at least an hour+ just to fall asleep in that empty apartment.

I got so angry the other week I cancelled my cooking classes. Maybe that was a mistake but i can always register again later.

Sometimes I feel like I was never supposed to exist in the first place. I really don't think it's true that everyone on Earth has a purpose. Only really successful people believe that. I hope I am not working here for more than a year or year and a half. I can't take this much longer.

Trying to Stay Positive and Creative

Work has been so insanely slow lately. This worries me. The fall market clearly did not pick up the way everyone thought. We were busy for about two weeks but these past two weeks the days have dragged like summer. Part of me wonders when/if the axe will fall??? The other part of me almost hopes that I do get laid off so I can figure some shit out. Maybe it's naive but I really want to have a job a love. I don't think this is unattainable. Ken has told me in the past, "I don't associate doing what I love with my job." Ew. This sounds terrible to me. Going through your whole professional life hating what you do? Definitely not for me.

I'm thinking more and more about culinary school. To that end, tonight when I get home I'm going to register for some classes I found on line, just to see if I really do like it enough to spend the money and time going to culinary school. Ever since moving in the Ken I've cooked more and more (which I love!) so I'm wondering if I can take this past the hobby stage or if it should just stay as a hobby. I'm not sure yet, but I want to find the answer.

In sextrology it says most Leos and svelt unless they are leading an emotionally blocked life. Once that blockage is cleared they can easily lose weight. I'm wondering what my emotional blockage is. I'm thinking it has to do with my above mentioned job related problems. Also, my new BC is not working out as well as I hoped. I just started getting these sharp cramps and I'm feeling moody and I'm breaking out, and I'm getting food cravings. I shouldn't even be PMSing yet! I just don't think I'm meant for the BC, my body must be super sensitive to extra hormones because I never get the side effects from any other kind of medication. I'm going to give it a little while longer, maybe this is just an adjustment period? I'm kind of disappointed.

Inspired by Britt (again...)

This is usually what I think when I learn what sign men are... (Female version still to come...)

Aries- Yum! You're hot let's have sex get married and have a million babies. We will set the world on fire!
Taurus- Kill me. I don't want to hear about your 401K.
Gemini- I LOVE YOU! Let's get drunk solve the world's problems and be bff forevea and eva.
Cancer- Your feelings make me want to puke sometimes. Plus you constantly have issues and problems. But, you worship me so we can date for a year or so. Just stop comparing me to your "mommy"....
Leo- If you're gay let's be bitches together, if you're not I think you suck.
Virgo- Even I appreciate a little earthiness now and then. We can be friends, but you can't come around my other more fabulous friends, got it?
Libra- Let's chat! But I don't think I can date you.
Scorpio- You scare the hell out of me. (Plus I think you're full of shit usually)
Sag- Yummy! Let's go on adventures together and have sex but not get married or even offically date.
Capricorn- You have money which I appreciate. Unfortunately, you also enjoy going to bed at 9.
Aquarius- Not again, you're JUST like me. I HATE that! Fine OK we can date....
Pisces- No I don't want to do coke with you, no I don't want to have freaky S&M sex with you, no I don't want to hear about how your childhood was terrible, no I don't want to hear about your self diagnosed mental problems...

I like books

I'm reading Nick Flynn's memoir Another Bullshit Night in Suck City and it is quite good. I've google some of his other poetry and and I am pleasantly surprised. It is pretty intense stuff, seems like a lot of it is about his mom committing suicide and his drug addiction. I am a sucker for personal poetry (cuz I'm nosey) but at the same time I'd like to see him tackle some different topics. I probably haven't read enough of him yet. As I write this I just discovered hat he wrote a whole book of poems about a blind French bee keeper who lived in the 18th century. Kudos to you Nick.

The Cleanse is Dead

The cleanse is offically done. It made me too light headed and confused so I ate and as soon as I started to eat I told Ken and he instantly went to the grocery and bought milk and some other stuff so we could start to eat again. We had sushi for dinner then went for starbucks. yum yum.
Oh well, I guess I don't have any self control.

The Cleanse- Day 2

It sucks, I won't lie. At work, I felt out of it and confused by everything. I really don't like how tired and light headed I feel. I don't think I'm going to make it. Maybe I'll do the Abs diet hard core for the next few days. I'm giving this one more day and if I still feel light headed and confused I might stop. I also had a minor melt down over something that happens almost every day.

I'm not really surprised that I only made it a day or so. I love food too much. However, it does bother me that Ken could potentially lose a ton of weight and I could still be a fat cow.
(Secretly, I don't think he will make it either)

The Cleanse- Day 1

So, Ken and I have decided to do the Master Cleanse for 10 days. We came to this decision after going to Charleston and eating super rich food and drinking too much.

I am slightly nervous about doing this because I have very little self control and I love food a lot. But, after reading some other blogs about it I am pretty excited to look skinny so hopefully that will keep me motivated.

The first part of the cleanse, the inner salt water bath, was pretty much a failure for me. Within an hour after drinking a ton of lukewarm salt water you were supposed to have to go to the bathroom super bad. That did not happen to me (or Ken) so now my stomach hurts. The book said if it didn't work you would have to add either more salt or more water to the mixture to find the right balance. I don't know if it's really worth it or not, it was so gross tasting.

The happy news is the lemonade you have to make is actually pretty good. I've read that other people who did it actually ended up craving it and I can see why.

I am trying to come up with some goals for myself to complete in the next 10 days so I can focus on something besides my lack of solid food. Here is a tenative list:

-Write every day
-Re-read/finish 100 years of solitude
-Clean and organize the apartment
-Get serious about researching culinary schools/classes (yup, it's my new thing)

Do the test! It's soo good!

This test will start the book ben and i will write called "how to live life the leo way". just keep track of what anwers you get. it's real easy.


How Leo are You Test

On a scale of 1-10 how much do you love yourself?
a. 2, I kind of hate myself b.5-6 I have some off days c.18,657 I rule.

What’s your best feature?
a. um my hands? B. My calves are kind of nice C. where do I start? My hair, my face, and my hot ass just to name a few

In a group of people I typically am
a. invisible, just taking it in hoping someone talks to me b. hanging out with my one good friend, we’re so close c. having the best time of my life, I rule everyone is looking at me and they’re super jealous

When walking down street I do the following:
a. wear all black hope no one looks at me b. I zen out , the world is so beautiful c. I pretend I am a celebrity on my way to a fabulous event, the paprazzi is following me snapping photos and every one who sees me is instantly the luckiest person alive.

Are you Always right?
a. no never b. no one is always right c. yes yes yes yes yes yes why don’t people listen to me?

When I meet someone I think:
a.i have no friends b. I hope we get along c. oh good, another follower for me to recruit, hopefully they don’t always wear that sweater

When getting ready to go out describe the process of getting your outfit together
a. I wear jeans and a shirt b. I just dig through my closet and grab something it usually looks ok c. I start thinking about in the morning and usually I have nothing to wear so I have to go shopping to buy something that makes look amazing so everyone will compliment me later and be super jealous. I have a reputation to uphold after all.

8. You’re at a bar and you see a girl/guy that you think is attractive. How do you proceed?
a. nothing, they won’t talk to me b. maybe I’ll look at them once or talk to them but only if I’m really drunk c. my personal favorite move ( I have many which you can read about in chapter 11) is the smile, look down look up because it’s all “I’m flattered so let me look down and be coy, but now I’m back”

9.Your view on sex is most like the following:
a. I’m a virgin b.sex is a spiritual thing it’s the connection of two souls in a beautiful deep way, lighting one fire I enjoy making love to the spice girls 2 become 1 c. sex is wonderful, it’s work out plus I get complimented after. Duh. (PS I’m secretly into being dominated)

10 Describe how you manage your money
a. I scrimp and save, I’ve had a retirement account since I was 8 b. i try to put away 5% of my pay check c. um what? I just got back from barney’s when I outspend, I win.



Mostly A’s: step away from the edge, don’t kill yourself, read the book, start at the beginning, don’t skip a word. We can help.


Mostly B’s: You’re middle of the road, we think that’s boring. Do yourself a favor read the book, there will probably be sections you can skim.

Mostly C’s: Read this just to reaffirm how amazing you are. Afterwards go to Barney’s, we’re already there. Snaps to you.

Whoa Whoa Whoa, way too long

It's been way too long since i've written anything. here and in general. it's mostly because my computer is basically dead and needs a new hard drive which ken claims he can fin on ebay for "60 bucks tops". pssh that was back in march.
anyway, here's a few things:

1. i am thinking starting a new short story and posting it online. is that corny?
2. you know you're partying a little too much when a pisces looks at you like you're nuts.
3. considering going to south carolina in july? could be fun? could be too hot?

Spring is Here, so Let's Review

House: Finally settled in, now it's all about maintaining. I think I need a maid.
Man: Stress-free love nest
Work: Too much, but at least I get PAID.
The Future: Summer, birthday, and trips (hopefully)
Animal: She's kind of a bitch, but slowly getting braver
Family: Waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly.

Just When I Thought I was Out of Things to Say...

I remembered!
1. zwinky's creep me out
2. i heard a great line on a reality show i never much cared for (run's house) rev. run says to his tofu eating, yoga practicing brother, russel simmons, "i'm carnivorous son." ha! amazing!
3. i saw dave chappelle! smokin a cig, leaning out the window of his escalade, he said, "what's up white girl" i wish i was quick enough to say something like "it's a celebration bitches!" but i guess my "holy shit!" will live on forever in his brain.
4. Sylvia Plath.
I went through a serious phase a couple months ago where would read lasy lazarus outloud to myself many times a night. No, I'm not in seventh grade, but my love for her will live on past my angsty years (sometimes i feel i will never out grow them). so here is lady lazarus... like with allen ginsberg read it aloud, much more satisfying. (though she is not a gemini...scorpio...what a surprise...)


Lady Lazarus

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it----
A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot
A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.
Peel off the napkin
0 my enemy.
Do I terrify?----
The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.
Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me
And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.
This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.
What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see
Them unwrap me hand and foot
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies
These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,
Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.
The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut
As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.
Dying
Is an art, like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.
It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical
Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:
'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge
For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.
And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood
Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.
I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby
That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.
Ash, ash ---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----
A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.
Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.
Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

have you ever really wanted to hear a particular kind of song but nothing in your music library seems to fit the bill? i am knee deep in that predicament.
it feels so good to be on the internet. next week we'll have our own but for now i'm stealing from "fantasia".
i feel like i should have a lot to say but i really don't. who wants to hear about putting labels on the mailbox? yeah...that's what i thought.
i keep thinking about what an awesome party house this would be. two floors, huge living room, the den would be the smoking room (though ken would flip his shit over that...but hey this is only a fantasy) PLENTY of bathrooms, balcony there's even a "breakfast bar" thing that could be used as a real bar.
OK, enough fantasy i should try to be a good "house girlfriend" while ken is gone and unpack some shit.

JK Livin'

We found an apartment! And we move in two weeks. We still have to go apply which makes me nervous because i have zero money thanks to goddamn utilities and i temp/freelance currently as opposed to having a real job. Also, there this bullshit going on with GW Hospital which makes me wanna scream. Thank God for Ken and the military!
I can't wait to have pictures!

Wow...

I found some err...interesting notes from the last time Dave and I hung out and watched the Spanish channel till 4AM. Enjoy:

-Everything was fun once I learned cursive

-Be free.

-Bling Wagon! What would that look like??

-Dave learned.

-little snack

-would you like some metaphors?

-Basing it all on emotion (Spanish Channel translating)

-E-M-O-T-I-O-N (just like spelling it)

-CUT ME SOME SLACK

-It's sombrero time

-Jesus Deer, Deer Park, DON'T SHOOT

PS Britt- this is so something that would've been taken care of months ago if I had a personal assistant!

i'm copying britt (or i <3 astrology forever)

You were born with the Sun in Leo and the Moon in Gemini. The position of the Sun in Leo makes your individuality lie deep within yourself. It also makes you a dignified, commanding, powerful, strong-willed, and reliable, individual. You are trusting, faithful, and magnanimous. Internally, you possess a constant cheerfulness and are fond of amusement; vitality and extreme pride are two key words of your individuality.
You are quick and determined both at work and in play. You are totally self-assured, and you believe that somehow you were born with a special mission and spiritual privilege. In sex and other activities you are sincere and wholehearted and wish to transmit to others your natural happiness. You can also become somewhat patronizing toward others, as well as impatient and reckless. Your personality comes under the rule of the Moon in Gemini. Externally, therefore, you will appear as an intelligent, clever, lively, and very versatile person. You are given to anticipation. In love, you do not express yourself completely according to your real nature. The barriers of life make you appear coolly affectionate and very expressive, but not profound.
The key word to your personality is intelligence. A positive integration of your being, depends upon your understanding of yourself.

there are only two parts of this i don't like:
1. the whole "individuality lying deep within yourself"
2. you're not yourself when in love

an oldie but a goodie as they say

i have been thinking about allen ginsberg lately. he's kind of a first love, really. whenever he pops into my head i have the fondest memories of him. even though he is SO reminds me of my tortured 8th grade self i can't help but be still in love. like that high school boyfriend you once had. *sigh*
when reading these, read them out loud, so mch more satisfying. all poem are meant to be read aloud but allen is REALLY meant to be read aloud. gemini's love to talk some maybe that's why his poems sound so good aloud.

America
America I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
America two dollars and twenty-seven cents January 17, 1956.
I can't stand my own mind.
America when will we end the human war?
Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
America when will you be angelic?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you look at yourself through the grave?
When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?
America why are your libraries full of tears?
America when will you send your eggs to India?
I'm sick of your insane demands.
When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I need with my good looks?
America after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.
Your machinery is too much for me.
You made me want to be a saint.
There must be some other way to settle this argument.
Burroughs is in Tangiers I don't think he'll come back it's sinister.
Are you being sinister or is this some form of practical joke?
I'm trying to come to the point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.
America stop pushing I know what I'm doing.
America the plum blossoms are falling.
I haven't read the newspapers for months, everyday somebody goes on trial for murder.
America I feel sentimental about the Wobblies.
America I used to be a communist when I was a kid and I'm not sorry.
I smoke marijuana every chance I get.
I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.
When I go to Chinatown I get drunk and never get laid.
My mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Marx.
My psychoanalyst thinks I'm perfectly right.
I won't say the Lord's Prayer.
I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.
America I still haven't told you what you did to Uncle Max after he came over from Russia.
I'm addressing you.
Are you going to let our emotional life be run by Time Magazine?
I'm obsessed by Time Magazine.
I read it every week.
Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the corner candystore.
I read it in the basement of the Berkeley Public Library.
It's always telling me about responsibility. Businessmen are serious. Movie
producers are serious. Everybody's serious but me.
It occurs to me that I am America.
I am talking to myself again.
Asia is rising against me.
I haven't got a chinaman's chance.
I'd better consider my national resources.
My national resources consist of two joints of marijuana millions of genitals an unpublishable private literature that goes 1400 miles and hour and twentyfivethousand mental institutions.
I say nothing about my prisons nor the millions of underpriviliged who live in my flowerpots under the light of five hundred suns.
I have abolished the whorehouses of France, Tangiers is the next to go.
My ambition is to be President despite the fact that I'm a Catholic.
America how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
I will continue like Henry Ford my strophes are as individual as his
automobiles more so they're all different sexes
America I will sell you strophes $2500 apiece $500 down on your old strophe
America free Tom Mooney
America save the Spanish Loyalists
America Sacco Vanzetti must not die
America I am the Scottsboro boys.
America when I was seven momma took me to Communist Cell meetings they sold us garbanzos a handful per ticket a ticket costs a nickel and the speeches were free everybody was angelic and sentimental about the workers it was all so sincere you have no idea what a good thing the party was in 1935 Scott Nearing was a grand old man a real mensch Mother Bloor made me cry I once saw Israel Amter plain. Everybody must havebeen a spy.
America you don're really want to go to war.
America it's them bad Russians.
Them Russians them Russians and them Chinamen. And them Russians.
The Russia wants to eat us alive.
The Russia's power mad. She wants to take our cars from out our garages.
Her wants to grab Chicago. Her needs a Red Reader's Digest. her wants our auto plants in Siberia. Him big bureaucracy running our fillingstations.
That no good. Ugh. Him makes Indians learn read. Him need big black niggers.
Hah. Her make us all work sixteen hours a day. Help.
America this is quite serious.
America this is the impression I get from looking in the television set.
America is this correct?
I'd better get right down to the job.
It's true I don't want to join the Army or turn lathes in precision parts factories, I'm nearsighted and psychopathic anyway.
America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.


This next one is an all time favorite. So beautiful.

A Supermarket in California
What thoughts I have of you tonight, Walt Whit-
man, for I walked down the sidestreets under the trees
with a headache self-conscious looking at the full moon.
In my hungry fatigue, and shopping for images,
I went into the neon fruit supermarket, dreaming ofyour enumerations!
What peaches and what penumbras! Whole fam
-ilies shopping at night! Aisles full of husbands!
Wives in the avocados, babies in the tomatoes!--and you,
Garcia Lorca, what were you doing down by thewatermelons?
I saw you, Walt Whitman, childless, lonely oldgrubber, poking among the meats in the refrigerator
and eyeing the grocery boys.
I heard you asking questions of each: Who killedthe pork chops? What price bananas? Are you myAngel?
I wandered in and out of the brilliant stacks of
cans following you, and followed in my imagination
by the store detective.
We strode down the open corridors together in
our solitary fancy tasting artichokes, possessing every
frozen delicacy, and never passing the cashier.
Where are we going, Walt Whitman? The doorsclose in an hour. Which way does your beard point tonight?
(I touch your book and dream of our odyssey in thesupermarket and feel absurd.)
Will we walk all night through solitary streets?
The trees add shade to shade, lights out in the houses,
we'll both be lonely.
Will we stroll dreaming ofthe lost America of love
past blue automobiles in driveways, home to our silent cottage?
Ah, dear father, graybeard, lonely old courage-teacher, what America did you have when Charon quit
poling his ferry and you got out on a smoking bank
and stood watching the boat disappear on the blackwaters of Lethe?

and for good measure experts from Howl

Howl
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flatsfloating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz,
who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tene- ment roofs
illuminated,


What sphinx of cement and aluminum bashed open their skulls and ate up their brains and imagi- nation? Moloch! Solitude! Filth! Ugliness! Ashcans and unob tainable dollars! Children screaming under the stairways! Boyssobbing in armies! Old men weeping in the parks! Moloch! Moloch! Nightmare of Moloch! Moloch the loveless! Mental Moloch! Moloch the heavy judger of men!

Carl Solomon! I'm with you in Rockland where you're madder than I am
I'm with you in Rockland where you must feel very strange
I'm with you in Rockland where you imitate the shade of my mother
I'm with you in Rockland where you've murdered your twelve secretaries
I'm with you in Rockland where you laugh at this invisible humor
I'm with you in Rockland where we are great writers on the same dreadful typewriter

love songs

britt and i were talking about love songs and it sounded like a nice list to make. (in no particular order)

"love is beautiful" love songs:
"(just like) starting over"-john lennon
"let's stay together"-al green
"god only knows"-the beach boys
"is this love?"-bob marley
"never been in love"-talib kweli (rappers have feelings too!)
"raining on sunday"-keith urban
most anything by marvin gaye, love him.

"love is painful" love songs:
"ex-factor"-lauryn hill
"waiting in vain"-bob marley
"ms. jackson"-outkast
"in terms of love" shedaisy

i know there's more but i can't really think.
i like this list.

this is my post about sex and the city characters and their potential zodiac signs.

the women:
carrie: gemini, she into fashion, she likes to laugh, stay out late and everyone likes her.
miranda: taurus, career driven, logical, financially saavy, firey temper especially when it comes to carrie's airy ways.
charlotte: cancer, into marriage, feelings, cries, relationships, super watery, total juliette at heart
samantha: leo, people person, loves love (secretly), loves sex, into appearences, loves gifts


the men:
big: leo, successful, had laughs with carrie in the only way that geminis and leos can, kind of a dick without realizing because he's too into himself, loves things his way, into generous gifts
steve: pisces, flaky in life, emotional, calls miranda on her shit, into babies, into pets,
richard wright: aries, successful, gives great gifts, gets into great fights with samantha, cheater
jack berger, scorpio, dark, creative, funny, crazy mood swings, jealous, co-dependent (sorry britt you know its true)
smith, i cant decide really. he has the hair to be a leo, and the acting thing, but he's too nice and supportive. maybe a leo born on a really good day? he's not flakey enough to be a libra or gem or even a sag. he could be a virgo? ew really? anyway suggestions anyone? (aka britt the only one who reads this besides ken who does so incognito oh and of course mom!)

oh and a special shout out to my favorite small screen gay man: standford he's probably an air sign, maybe a gem like carrie or a libra maybe. oh and of course my second favorite gay man (though a very close second ) anthony, charlotte's gay, which i don't understand but anyway: he is a fire sign, his fabulous bitchiness, his great taste, his love of men. hooray fire!

i have an interview at 1 tomorrow. the question is-- do i go in till 12 then leave then come back? or do i give myself the morning off and go in at 2ish? tough question.
this woman talks so quickly it's like she doesn't breathe ever.

on to something more interesting:

jeremy asked me for relationship advice last night. ME. he kills me, at one point he actually said, "i'm sorry you don't have to listen, i know this is boring."

boring? BORING?!

more like the greatest thing that's happened in a while. hes dating a total psycho who isn't even cute.
he actually said, "i am jealous of you."
anyone hear an "i win" blowing in the breeze?
but seriously, i am not airing his dirty laundry because i do care. no one deserves a psycho.

there are days i think i will miss island and days i think i will not. i hate when those days combine into one day. it's amazing what goes unsaid sometimes.

i thought of this poem today because i love the tone and mood. the mood more than anything. i'm obsessed.

There were never strawberries
like the ones we had
that sultry afternoon
sitting on the step
of the open french window
facing each other
your knees held in mine
the blue plates in our laps
the strawberries glistening
in the hot sunlight
we dipped them in sugar
looking at each other
not hurrying the feast
for one to come
the empty plates
laid on the stone together
with the two forks crossed
and I bent towards you
sweet in that air

in my arms
abandoned like a child
from your eager mouth
the taste of strawberries
in my memory
lean back again
let me love you

let the sun beat
on our forgetfulness
one hour of all
the heat intense
and summer lightning
on the Kilpatrick hills

let the storm wash the plates

-- Edwin Morgan

I Promise You Will Never Hear Me Speak of This Again

This is my Island Press rant. Read if you want, or don't. Whatever.
This rant is in part, inspired by the transmittal meeting I attended the other day. Transmittal is the meeting we go to when editorial turns a manuscript over to us for production.
I can't stand the way everyone in editorial and marketing wets themselves over a book they think is going to be big and start a movement and get students involved etc etc. GIVE ME A BREAK. No book at Island is going to set the world on fire and it won't get students invovled with cute little anecdotes about writers from Vermont dressing up as endangered maple trees reading poems by Robert Frost.
Also, you want cyber marketing? Here's a tip. GET THE WEBSITE UP BEFORE THE BOOK IS IN COPYEDIT. Or better yet, HAVE A NAME FOR THE WEBSITE. I can't wait till this book is too expensive (it already is) and we don't sell 9,000 copies like marketing says they will.
It's not totally their fault. They just don't have the manpower to launch a mmarketing campaign like this or to draw the kinds of books they want. But they don't accept this fact. They try to make themselves into something they can't be. It's sad, it's really sad. There's no money for anything and they just end up losing money. For instance, almost 50 grand on one title from the spring 06 list.
They keep making poor decisions over and over and they act all surprised when shit goes wrong.
OK, I'm done I suppose. That feels better.

Why is life going by so quickly? I feel like I snapped my fingers and the weekend was gone. I think I've gotten too into my "normal" schedule. It's so comfortable to work five days and then have two full days off. I need to get out of this "rut" because I have to find a second job while I freelance for Island. I'm actually thinking about B&N. Just typing that made me die a little on the inside.
Good Lord, do I love Intervention. The video game addict is the best. He really sucks at life.
Addiction isn't funny.

A Good Start

For those of you who don't know (and many of you don't) I am a HUGE William Carlos Williams fan (or WCW as I refer to him in my head...what great initials!) I am currently mid-obsession and I wanted to share him with the world (or the three to four people who will read this: britt, pants, ry, maybe ben, maybe jess, maybe ken) he is so beautiful and simple--yet complex. I love when authors pack a huge punch with only three little words, makes me wish I was that smart/talented. As I try to write for Britt's new zine reading more helps, espeially poetry, wonder what that tiggers in your brain? Hm.
anyway- here are exceprts from "Asphodel That Greeny Flower"

Of asphodel, that greeny flower,

  like a buttercup

    upon its branching stem-

save that it's green and wooden-

  I come, my sweet,

    to sing to you.

We lived long together

  a life filled,

    if you will,

with flowers.  So that

  I was cheered

    when I came first to know

that there were flowers also

  in hell.

    Today

I'm filled with the fading memory of those flowers

  that we both loved,

    even to this poor

colorless thing-

  I saw it

    when I was a child-

little prized among the living

  but the dead see,

    asking among themselves:

What do I remember

  that was shaped

    as this thing is shaped?

There is something

    something urgent

I have to say to you

  and you alone

    but it must wait

while I drink in

  the joy of your approach,

    perhaps for the last time.

And so

  with fear in my heart

    I drag it out

and keep on talking

  for I dare not stop.

    Listen while I talk on

against time.

  It will not be

    for long.

I have forgot

  and yet I see clearly enough
I cannot say

  that I have gone to hell

    for your love

but often

  found myself there

    in your pursuit.

I do not like it

  and wanted to be

    in heaven.  Hear me out.

Do not turn away.