The New Kid

I've had my first three days at my new job. It's OK, it's very different from HV (obviously). It's funny how you miss your silly little routines. I miss bringing my coffee every morning, I miss not needing help at work, or asking a million questions. I'm glad that the new admin assistant starts on Monday so some of the focus will be off me. I guess I'm just feeling a little down, it's depressing to come home and not have anyone to vent to, especially after being in a place where you don't have any friends. Ken is at the half-way point with the Mississippi trip but it feels like he will never come home. I feel like I've reached a new state of lonliness.

WOW!

I feel like time has truly flown. I looked at my calendar today and realized there are only 25 days left of this 6 week camp. I can't wait for him to be home, it's so exciting.

In two days I start my new job. Wow, it feels really good to say that. I'm definitely nervous but I know it will all work itself out. I'm kind of excited to get back into a "real" office environment.

This weekend I think I FINALLY found our wedding site. It's in NJ, near the shore and it's beautiful. I'm going to have a sit down with them in 2 weeks to talk about prices and if all goes well I'm going to write the check. Luckily they don't require much to hold the date which is awesome.

I feel like everything is finally starting to fall in place.

Dear Self,

Something must be done. It's worse than we thought without Ken. HOWEVER, this going out every night and not working out and not eating right cannot continue. We all know we've gained weight, there's no question about that. Think about how sad you will be when you get measured for your wedding dress and you will have gone up a size. We all know the gym is benefical in many ways. 1. Less stress 2. Lose weight 3. Be tougher Good enough for me! Plus: stop eating bullshit. Really. Really, really.

Godddd I am so fed up with myself. I need to get over this whole Ken being gone thing. We're solidly into week two and I still find myself getting weepy. And I'm getting fat, it's disgusting. Once this new job starts I can't drink a bottle of wine to fall asleep when I feel sad, I have to be on my A game. I feel like I am poisoning myself and it HAS TO STOP. Maybe getting fat is the wake up I needed. I do miss Ken but I don't want him to come home to a fat fiance. What a let down that would be huh?

Popularity Contest

I have always had a very intense paranoia that people don't like me. I had kind of gotten over it in the past few years but since being at HV I'm pretty sure 90% of the people here hate me. I think most of it is all of our jobs suck so no one is going to be all peaches and cream all the time, it's pretty much impossible. However, since news of my leaving came out no one has said "Oh we should have happy hour." or whatever. I guess on some level it was kind of expected someone would jump ship since they're moving way the fuck out there but still it would be nice to think I will be missed.

I am also convinced we are hated by most of our neighbors. First of all I think I am the youngest adult living in that community, which is awkward. Second, there are so many rules we were never aware of and I swear if we were we would NOT be living there. And everyone just seems so picky, like Ken parked in our shitty parking spot really crooked (ONCE!) and the lady who parks next to us felt the need to say something to him. And to the guy across the way from us: I have never been anything but NICE to your kids but every time you see me I get the most awkward look from you. What gives??? Plus the whole tomato plant controversy has us on the HOA pres. shit list. UGH. I like our townhouse but I kind of miss living in a big building where you didn't have to see anyone or deal with ridiculous rules.

I'm also missing Ken really badly this afternoon, god only knows why. It felt really good to talk to Britt last night since her man is away too. It made me not feel so alone.

Sad Moments

So my Sunday was pretty good. All alone time, but I kept pretty busy doing errands and chores and what not. But tonight I had my first "fight" with Ken and the longest phone coversation I think we've had in the history of our relationship (he's not a phone person, understandable) so it was kind of an emotional rollercoaster type of night. First, I got very frustrated with the search for a wedding venue. The two we were down to didn't impress me overall. Imean they're nce but really they're just OK-each has a major downside. One is more expensive and has a bunch of rnadom fees to consider. The other has the right price but is in the middle of no where. And really I don't know how good my dress will look at either one. So I just got kind of fed up and I told Ken about it and he really just irritated me more. So we were short with each other and it ended on a cold note and I was sad but still so fired up that I wasn't about to apologize first.

So I called my mom and told her the sitch. and we've decided to visit a place in NJ this coming weekend and I'm very excited. I feel that I just need to see something else. Either this trip will confuse me more or it will make me realize how good I have it or that this was the place I was waiting for. This is such a bigger headache than I ever imagined and I have a feeling that it will only get harder from here on out.

I want a burrito

even though I ate a ton tonight. My pride is growing, I am insanely proud of myself after the Saturday I just had. I got up around 10:30 laid about for a while then did my laundry, cleaned the firdge (it was bad) did a quick errand then went to Shannon's mom's house had some bbq and drinks, watched the Olympics (i love them!) and got him around midnight and I am totally comfortable! Tomorrow may involve more alone time, but I know it will invovle more talking with Ken which is great. This morning he really opened up to me and told me that when he got back to his room the other night he felt the lonliness. All he wanted was to be cuddled up next to me. And yes it made me a little sad when he said that but it's really what I needed to hear.

Nerves about the new job continue to grow daily. I really hope it all goes smoothly. Since they gave me such a great offer it makes me worry that I'm not qualified. I've definitely got rust to shake off which worries me, what with going back into the real office world again. Despite all that the two things I am most excited for are: possibly having a blackberry (!!!!) and having awesome places to go to lunch (potbelly!!!!!!) maybe that's silly but at least it keeps me distracted.

Pride and Panic

So the first week is just about up and I must say I'm feeling pretty proud of myself at this point. Sunday and Monday were definitely rough but now time isn't feeling so slow. I'm genuinely looking forward to my weekend which will be a good mix of alone/not alone time. I'm also motivated to get back into my gym routine since most of this week involved alcohol and bad food. I haven't encountered any "gremlins" yet and actully was really glad to get a nice note from our landlords about the whole tomato plant controversy. The important thing is we're down to 35 days which sounds so much better than 40.

However, despite all of these good things I texted Ken last night and told him I really want to move our wedding up. I don't want to wait till next August. I think (re:know) it all stems from this little 6 week thing. Now I'm totally gun shy on what's going to happen for the rest of the year. What if he has to go to some other school? What if he gets deployed? I don't want to give the AF a solid year to pull some bullshit on us. On top of all that I have gotten ENDLESS complaints about having our wedding in August (btw I can't wait till all the complainers get married so I can bitch and moan to their face about their wedding). He hasn't responded yet which doesn't shock me. I have half-heartedly tried to get him to change the date in the past but he hasn't gone for it. This time I really mean it and I want him to seriously consider it.

On a lighter note I wish work would hurry up and be done with. I'm excited to have a weekend followed by my last full week at HV!! YES!!! It doesn't feel real yet but the new job confirmed that they got my signed offer letter so it's getting closer to being reality. Weeeee!

I don't want rehab...

So reading blogs has become my newest addiction. I haven't been brave enough to comment or anything but in some creepy way i feel like I know some of these women really well. My blog obsession is two fold: 1. wedding blogs, we have a love/hate relationship, more on that in a minute. 2. Military spouse blogs. I'll be honest, with Ken suddenly being gone for 6 weeks I kind of didn't know what to do with myself. Granted, he's not in any danger I don't have to be worried about him fighting a war (thank God). But at the same token it's not like he's just on vacation or something. I'm amazed at how strong the women are out there, especially the Navy ones. I'd have totally lost it by now if Ken had to deal with that whole IA BS, ugh ugh ugh. But essentially these blogs make me feel like I'm not so alone.

Wedding blogs: I can't believe some people have so much "style" so to speak. Maybe mine will come to me once I get deeper into planning this thing but I feel so all over the place. I have kind of abandoned any set color palette since the 'maids are going to wear black and i want them to all have different colored shoes. (black shoes/black dress is too funeral for me) I just think that will look soooo glam, I can see the pictures in my mind and they look awesome. I have a feeling this "all over the place" feel will not go away and my colors will just be whatever. I mean, I don't want people to walk into a sea of purple once we get into the reception area. Some sort of consistency would be nice but I just don't know what that might be yet. I'm so jealous of the brides out there who have inspiration boards all in their colors and are so super crafty and all DIY-ing their whole wedding. I thought I could make my own invitations but since I won't be working here anymore in less than two week (hooray!!!) it will be a bigger headache than I want to deal with. We've still got a long way to go, I guess first I need to focus on putting a deposit down on a venue. Yeah, that's kind of important.

Day 1 is almost over

And it wasn't terrible. I had a few moments of feeling lonely and sad but I'm OK for now. The big melt down came when I was outside getting some basil for pesto an the HOA president just happen to walk by and he was a huge ass about our tomato plants. I wanted to fucking scream but instead I bawled my eyes out. Luckily my nice neighbor was outside for this show and I think she felt bad for me and we talked for a minute.

I read a bunch of military wives blogs today and I'll admit I feel a little spoiled. My husband isn't gone for 15 months at a shot and hell even if he was he'd probably be in an office building somehwere instead of kicking in doors. I don't have kids to worry about and raise on my own. I read one woman's bog and one of her kids is lashing out becuse he doesn't understand why his dad has to go away so often. I bet any of these women would trade places with me. The first one is always the hardest I guess and this first week will be rough. This week will be the hardest because it's right before everything happens with the job and visiting NJ and what not. I just have nothing else to focus on this week and that's tough. I think eventually the time will go by quickly but right now it feels very lonely.

Fun Things to Occupy My Time for the Next 6 Weeks...

In no particular order:
1. Organize our closet (however Ken might die of shock if he came home to a clean organized closet... will possibly rethink this one.)
2. Pick a wedding site. Can you say STRESS??!! But I am 95% decided on a place and the upside is Ken agrees with me.
3. Not killing any plants, cats, or fish. This is harder than it sounds.
4. Make a card for Ken every week. Sappy maybe, but at least it gives me a scheduled activity beyond work, eat, gym, sleep.
5. Start new job. Once again can you say STRESS???!!!
6. Shop for new clothes for said job. Sweeeeet.
7. Get back to the gym. For realz.
8. Be ready to order save the dates. This is more of a September project.
9. Make some kind of plans for Labor Day
10. Blog more

Just to get it all out: yes I was a huge crying mess. Yes I miss him already, but I am glad I have a new job to look forward to plus some extra days off in between jobs. It's crazy to think about how much will have changed byt the time he gets back. I will be a few weeks into a new job, our wedding site will be set in stone, and who the hell knows what else.

To be totally honest I'm excited about my lazy "single girl" day tomorrow which involves lots of couch sitting, reading and walks later.

I hope it goes by quickly.