Day 3

It's getting easier in odd ways. I let something out and it's like it never existed in the first place. The worst part is that I now know what it feels like to lose trust in someone. Someone whom I trusted 110%. The other awful thing is that I feel like he stole something from me. These last 6 weeks are supposed to be fun and exciting. But now all I can do is hope that our wedding will still be special and great day. How sad.

I am relieved that we have an appointment with Jewel on Wednesday. I think seeing her for the next few weeks will help us get through this. We can't fix this on our own.

This weekend we are focusing on putting the pieces back together. I really do want to have a nice weekend with him. I know it will take time. Lots of time. But I have to believe.

Who Knows

Three days. Three days. I still don't believe it.

Last night I told Ken I keep making bad decisions and as soon as I said it I knew it was true. I know the perfect job doesn't exist but could I at least find one that I don't hate. The only thing I don't hate about this job is the money. Sad. Sad sad sad. I'm hoping my attitude will change, it's only been less than a month. I keep wondering "what if" about the other job. Even though it was less money I think I'd at least be able to work on manuscripts instead of just taking endless shit for them and not working on them. What doesn't help matters is that the Ediotrial Assistant who has never worked on a manuscript is currently happy and working on projects, while I rot in admin hell. Ugh, I just don't know. I think I need to buy that Marc Jacobs bag I fell in love with this past weekend.

So Close and yet...

10 days. 10 simple days. I can't believe I've come so far, and yet it feels like this should all be over and we should be cuddling before going to the gym. *sigh*

Work is the same in a lot of ways. I still feel like the awkward new kid, bt I am remembering more which builds a little confidence. I am still exhausted after work which is not helping my going to the gym. Another wrench in that whole thing: I came home from a nice Labor Day weekend to find that Keira had pissed and shitted all over the second bedroom. I am still fighting off the stench of cat piss which makes me NONE too happy and eats up my time. Ken needs to find her a new home--soon or she's going to a no kill shelter. I'm serious this time.

On a happier note we FINALLY FINALLY have a wedding date and place. I'm excited!! I feel bad that Ken didn't get to see it yet but I sent him pictures and he'll see it for real soon enough. So mark your calendars August 15, 2009.

The New Kid

I've had my first three days at my new job. It's OK, it's very different from HV (obviously). It's funny how you miss your silly little routines. I miss bringing my coffee every morning, I miss not needing help at work, or asking a million questions. I'm glad that the new admin assistant starts on Monday so some of the focus will be off me. I guess I'm just feeling a little down, it's depressing to come home and not have anyone to vent to, especially after being in a place where you don't have any friends. Ken is at the half-way point with the Mississippi trip but it feels like he will never come home. I feel like I've reached a new state of lonliness.

WOW!

I feel like time has truly flown. I looked at my calendar today and realized there are only 25 days left of this 6 week camp. I can't wait for him to be home, it's so exciting.

In two days I start my new job. Wow, it feels really good to say that. I'm definitely nervous but I know it will all work itself out. I'm kind of excited to get back into a "real" office environment.

This weekend I think I FINALLY found our wedding site. It's in NJ, near the shore and it's beautiful. I'm going to have a sit down with them in 2 weeks to talk about prices and if all goes well I'm going to write the check. Luckily they don't require much to hold the date which is awesome.

I feel like everything is finally starting to fall in place.

Dear Self,

Something must be done. It's worse than we thought without Ken. HOWEVER, this going out every night and not working out and not eating right cannot continue. We all know we've gained weight, there's no question about that. Think about how sad you will be when you get measured for your wedding dress and you will have gone up a size. We all know the gym is benefical in many ways. 1. Less stress 2. Lose weight 3. Be tougher Good enough for me! Plus: stop eating bullshit. Really. Really, really.

Godddd I am so fed up with myself. I need to get over this whole Ken being gone thing. We're solidly into week two and I still find myself getting weepy. And I'm getting fat, it's disgusting. Once this new job starts I can't drink a bottle of wine to fall asleep when I feel sad, I have to be on my A game. I feel like I am poisoning myself and it HAS TO STOP. Maybe getting fat is the wake up I needed. I do miss Ken but I don't want him to come home to a fat fiance. What a let down that would be huh?

Popularity Contest

I have always had a very intense paranoia that people don't like me. I had kind of gotten over it in the past few years but since being at HV I'm pretty sure 90% of the people here hate me. I think most of it is all of our jobs suck so no one is going to be all peaches and cream all the time, it's pretty much impossible. However, since news of my leaving came out no one has said "Oh we should have happy hour." or whatever. I guess on some level it was kind of expected someone would jump ship since they're moving way the fuck out there but still it would be nice to think I will be missed.

I am also convinced we are hated by most of our neighbors. First of all I think I am the youngest adult living in that community, which is awkward. Second, there are so many rules we were never aware of and I swear if we were we would NOT be living there. And everyone just seems so picky, like Ken parked in our shitty parking spot really crooked (ONCE!) and the lady who parks next to us felt the need to say something to him. And to the guy across the way from us: I have never been anything but NICE to your kids but every time you see me I get the most awkward look from you. What gives??? Plus the whole tomato plant controversy has us on the HOA pres. shit list. UGH. I like our townhouse but I kind of miss living in a big building where you didn't have to see anyone or deal with ridiculous rules.

I'm also missing Ken really badly this afternoon, god only knows why. It felt really good to talk to Britt last night since her man is away too. It made me not feel so alone.