Blog Thoroughly or Don't Blog at All

The subject of this post is stolen from another blog that I read regularly and it made me realize... I've been wanting to blog regularly but made excuses to myself- what do I really have to say? What if I reveal too much? Ect, etc. That one line made me think- what's the point of even having a blog if you're not going to use it? And if you really do want to be a writer then you MUST write. You NEED to write. I can't count how many times I heard that phrase in college.

It's interesting how certain things stay with you- my first non fiction class the professor was awesome- totally open about her own life and gave great writing advice. She told us that after she completed her grad program at Emerson she got really depressed about writing. She was afraid that she couldn't hack it without the workshop environment. It took time but she had to rely on herself to give the good advice and learn to work with editors and (most important) not to take things too personally. It is very true that the workshop environment is an easy "drug" so to speak. You get assignments- you complete them and discuss. Without that kind of routine it's very hard to keep it up on your own( at least for me).

One thing I am kind of proud about is that I didn't stop reading after college. One of the smartest people I have ever encountered (Maria-she's pretty famous in the Emerson College Lit World-trust me) said that in order to write you must read. Not that this is uncommon advice but she could tell me that aliens would come out of my skull and I would probably believe her.

Enough with my "brain storm" on writing. I feel like making a list so below, is a "Cast of Characters" who will probably be regulars in this blog:

Ken- My boyfriend (typical, maybe) but we live together so it's like family. (I hope that doesn't sound creepy)
Mary- Co-worker, friend, and Pisces. If I ever say something like "I don't really remember parts of Saturday night" chances are I was with her.
My Boss- I don't feel the need to mention him by name. Boss sums him up pretty well.
Britt- Dear friend and college roommate who moved to California. Very sad, but we talk online.
Jess- High school best friend. I actually see her once in a while now that I live only 2 hours away from home.
Holly-former co-worker, roommate, and current friend
Shannon- see above, minus roommate
Nina- Cat #1
Keira- Step-cat, Cat #2
Mom, Dad- Self explanatory

PS I plan to delete some of the super depressing/whiny enteries in the very near future. This blog needs a makeover!

I've been meaning to post this for a while

Grandma died 3 weeks ago. When a family such as my father's is closeted dysfunctional all of that dysfunction suddenly surfaces when there is some sort of crisis, like a family death. My grandfather, though he loved his wife, refused to have her embalmed because it was more expensive (please note: Grandad is not poor, he can afford it) so it was a closed casket. My father's youngest brother, who has had issues since the day he was born, took his mother's death very hard and did not come to the funeral. It was truly heartbreaking to see neighbors and friends ask my grandfather where Howard was. My father and his other brother in true awkward form kind of stood around at first when people started arriving, not thinking that maybe they should stand by the door with their father and greet people-this is even more important because grandad is losing his hearing and refuses to wear a hearing aid. Finally my mother dragged all three of them to the door and said, "Don't move, greet people, help your father."

Despite all of this weirdness, the strangest part for me was going through her things after the funeral. It definitely did not take the "few hours" my father promised. Grandma was a pack rat and still had magazines and newspapers from the 80's. She had drawers filled with buttons-Just in case! Empty pill bottles, at least 10 incomplete china sets, and even an unopened gift from HER wedding.

I took a two green salad plates, 4 multi colored ice cream bowls, a vintage purse, and the silver set. My mother said to me, "You know, it's really nice of us to let you have that." I'm not so sure what that means.

To add to the twilight zone feel, Ken was there. I was very grateful that he came with me and having his support felt really good. But when I looked in the living room and saw him there with my dad, my uncle, and grandad it dawned on me- this could be it. He could be family.

Stress

It's a funny feeling to realize you're stressed when it should have been obvious from the start.

1. Grandma is dying-we're down to weeks.
2. I think I have to go to the dentist ( I hate hate HATE the dentist)
3. My neck has been knotted and in general pain for almost 2 weeks now.
4. We just moved.
5. I hate my job.
6. To top it all off I had a nice big blow out with Ken last night- everything is fine now though-thankfully.

So after I realized all of these things are stressing me out, I thought "Why keep it in?" I think this was probably one of the reason blogs were created in the first place.

The top two things on my stress liat are probably Grandma and my job. Grandma for obvious reasons- I keep checking my phone to see if I've missed a call from my dad- wondering if I will have to take time off of work, wondering if it will affect the Florida trip in two weeks. In a way I just wish the other shoe would drop already!

My job- I can't even begin to tell you how much better life would be if I didn't wake up during the week and just dread coming into work. I'm sure even people who generally love their job have days like this, but pretty much every day is like this for me. All I have to do is think about all the assholes I will deal with in one day, all the people who will obviously be thinking "God, this girl is stupid." And it's enough to make me just not show up. I dream about the day I will be able to quit. It makes me want to throw up when I think about the fact that I have to work for the next 40 years.

I'm going to get myself a smoothie and think about the best things in my life. Maybe I'll even make a list...

Not to be Typical But...

It is the second day of the new year and I've made some resolutions. Themost important one is to lose weight. I know that's pretty typical and usually people don't really stick to it but I will really try. At least I will be able to say I did something! It's unreal how much weight I've gained since college! It seems like everyone else I know lost weight after college. The cheese stands alone I guess!
Ken is trying with me and I'm slightly worried this will be more frustrating than helpful. Since living with him I've noticed that it's much easier for him to lose weight.
I hope that not drinking for a month plus regular working out will speed everything up a little.
It would be nice to go to Florida in March and not feel/look gross.

Clouds

My head feels cloudy today. As if none of my thoughts can come to the front. They're all just swirling and crashing into each other somewhere in the depths of my mind.

This rut I am in is serious. I'm having a hard time imagining my life in a year, or even in 6 months. Maybe that's good? Maybe that's like giving myself a clean slate almost? I can fill it however I want when the time comes. That's a positive way to view it I guess.

It sounds shallow but I think getting my hair cut tonight will help my mood. I don't think I can count how many times I've been called shallow in my life.

I can't believe my life is the way it is and I mean that in a good and bad way.

Rut

I think I'm in a life rut. This occured to me yesterday as I was sitting at home alone last night planning my imaginary wedding and it suddenly hit me, "You are pathetic." Then I started thinking about my day to day life: I get up, do the morning routine, drive to work, dream about the building burning down, sit at work and stare at a computer for 8 hours, drive home, make dinner/eat and then a whole lot of nothing. That's pretty terrible huh?

God, what has happened to me? What can I do to change this?

I'm trying to stay focused on the new year and what I want to do once January hits. I have to get in shape. I have to have to have to. I can't go to Florida in March looking the way I do. I've gained so much weight since I left the city it's disgusting. The lifestyle here is so blah, so inactive. I don't mean DC I mean the suburbs ugh ugh ugh ugh.

So I was thinking, what can I or what do I do that makes me genuinely happy? Sadly, all my stories and stuff are still on my dead computer so I can't even look at any of them as are all of my music and videos. I could always start a new story but I don't know what to write about. I feel like unless I am in a workshop environment I don't know what to write. That's pretty depressing.

I'm thinking I should read more so my brain doesn't turn into total mush. I think that's a good start but I feel very compelled to do something with my hands. Maybe tonight I should go through my old Jane's and look for some crative projects in there to keep me busy.

I hate when Ken has to work nights. It makes me feel like I'm way too depedent on him for my entertainment. I'm also exhausted all the time because it takes me at least an hour+ just to fall asleep in that empty apartment.

I got so angry the other week I cancelled my cooking classes. Maybe that was a mistake but i can always register again later.

Sometimes I feel like I was never supposed to exist in the first place. I really don't think it's true that everyone on Earth has a purpose. Only really successful people believe that. I hope I am not working here for more than a year or year and a half. I can't take this much longer.

Trying to Stay Positive and Creative

Work has been so insanely slow lately. This worries me. The fall market clearly did not pick up the way everyone thought. We were busy for about two weeks but these past two weeks the days have dragged like summer. Part of me wonders when/if the axe will fall??? The other part of me almost hopes that I do get laid off so I can figure some shit out. Maybe it's naive but I really want to have a job a love. I don't think this is unattainable. Ken has told me in the past, "I don't associate doing what I love with my job." Ew. This sounds terrible to me. Going through your whole professional life hating what you do? Definitely not for me.

I'm thinking more and more about culinary school. To that end, tonight when I get home I'm going to register for some classes I found on line, just to see if I really do like it enough to spend the money and time going to culinary school. Ever since moving in the Ken I've cooked more and more (which I love!) so I'm wondering if I can take this past the hobby stage or if it should just stay as a hobby. I'm not sure yet, but I want to find the answer.

In sextrology it says most Leos and svelt unless they are leading an emotionally blocked life. Once that blockage is cleared they can easily lose weight. I'm wondering what my emotional blockage is. I'm thinking it has to do with my above mentioned job related problems. Also, my new BC is not working out as well as I hoped. I just started getting these sharp cramps and I'm feeling moody and I'm breaking out, and I'm getting food cravings. I shouldn't even be PMSing yet! I just don't think I'm meant for the BC, my body must be super sensitive to extra hormones because I never get the side effects from any other kind of medication. I'm going to give it a little while longer, maybe this is just an adjustment period? I'm kind of disappointed.