Richmond and Cryfest 2008

Richmond was fun- will have pictures shortly. One day I'll remember to do all the stuff I want to do when I get home from work. We called it a mental health weekend: eating at Shoney's, drinking lots of Miller Lite, wine trails, free tickets to the Nationwide Series, Clint Bowyer winning the big race, tube tops, can coolie-the best thing ever btw, hot weather, and lots of dirt. Good times!

Cryfest 2008 was last night. I guess I just can't handle certain things as well as I think I can. For the past month or so we've been talking about getting married a lot. Which is great of course- we love each other, we can live together without much problem, our lives are about 100% integrated at this point, etc etc. But I guess I can't discuss it any further with him till we're actually engaged. The dream I had Saturday sums it up pretty well- out of no where Ken comes up to me and says "We're getting married." My mom and dad are there as well as my aunt and uncle. My brother marries us, no one is dressed up there are no flowers, no rings even, I think we were in a parking lot outside a hotel. Ken doesn't kiss me at the end and as we're walking away from the ceremony I want to cry. I keep telling Ken that this can't be it- we have to do this again the "right" way. He only responds, "We'll talk about it later. We'll talk about it later."

My mom and aunt keep telling me the ceremony was "lovely" but I know they're lying to me. The reception was in the hotel we were married outside of and before anyone gets there I'm running around trying to make everything look better- and that's where the dream ends.

We talked about the whole thing briefly. He said he understands my problems with it. Maybe part of me thinks he's actually not ready to make that kind of commitment and I'll just be waiting on him forever. And really, I have no idea when he'll propose..IF he'll propose maybe it's not as soon as I hope it is and then I'll just be angry at him for getting my hopes up so soon just to be waiting till next year or something. He acknowledged that he's just as guilty as I am when it came to discussing it and what not. Somewhere in there he's excited too which is great but we just have to keep it on the back burner for now. And maybe this sounds bitchy or like I'm being one of "those girls" but really I am TIRED of just living together. Don't get me wrong-it's great and we love each other and we have a beautiful home but I'm just sick of it. And it almost makes me start thinking what have I done? What have I not done? Why am I not as good as HER? I thought I was doing everything right. I haven't cheated, I have a job, I split all bills, I do my part around the house, I try to compromise, what IS IT??